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When I pass, speak freely of my shortcomings and my flaws. Learn from them, for I'll have no ego to injure. Aaron McGruder


                                                               

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

                                                                

 

          

 

                                                 

I woke up one day hoping it had all been a dream,
I woke up that day like any normal day,
only this day was the very first day that you were gone.

 

I shoved the pain deep inside and covered it up
I went to get coffee and hope no one was there,
I hoped no one would look at me with pity,
I hoped they would all pretend nothing had happened.

 

My aunt stopped by and I saw her glance at me with sadness,
but before I could give any look back
she started speaking to my mom
and I sighed with relief.

 

I heard my dad say something funny
and my heart lifted when everyone laughed,
and as I began to laugh I suddenly stopped
and feeling shame and anger at myself
for even thinking of enjoying life
without you here.
And I felt so angry that you left me here all alone
with these insane people around me
in a scary world
where you were my only warmth my only light
and you left me alone
so alone in the cold and dark
and I can't run to you anymore
I will never be safe again.

 

The days went by,
they all gathered around to see you
but I could not
I knew I would try to wake you up
I knew you would just be asleep,
I could not go and watch them put you into the ground
into that cold dirty ground
I knew how much you hated dirt.

 

I sat at home in the sunlight
and I smiled, thankful for the beautiful day
I know how much you loved it when the sun shined
and it shined just for you.

 

The months have gone by
like nothing ever happened.
I walk by your house everyday
and I pretend you are there
it is how I go on
pretending you are still here
but at times
sudden times it hits me with a force
you are not here
you are not with me anymore,
there will be no more christmas mornings
where I am so excited to give you my gift
always something warm to wear
I remember the last gift I gave you
you acted so excited when I gave it to you
like you had never seen anything like it before
eventhough it was just a blanket
and I felt so happy knowing I gave you some warmth.

 

I can't go into your house
I have twice since you left
and I always looked towards your room
praying praying, hoping hoping you would come out.
i know i torture myself like this But I can't live very well without you
and I have to pretend
I have to block everything,
and when I finally fall apart
it feels like I am dying
and I wish I was dying
so I could be with you and be safe again.

 

I know you are with me
and sometimes when I can't sleep
I will feel you near me
and sometimes I can feel you touch me
and it's not long that I fall asleep.
But it's not the same
I want our time back
I want to be with you everyday
like we used too
I want to hear your voice calling my name
I just want to hear your voice
and feel your touch it was always so soft and cool.

 

I never imagined I would feel this way
I never knew I would feel so empty
I didn't realize you would take a part of me with you
the child in me went with you
I can almost see her sitting in your lap
hair yellow like sunlight
I can see you laughing
I can see her laughing
and looking up at you with such a love
and a hint of being thankful,
thankful for you.

 

Love and acceptance would not have been known
had it not been for you.
My inner child is safe now
I see where she went too
and I can't help but smile at the wondering,
maybe you didn't leave me after all
maybe somehow you are still helping me
maybe
if only I could let myself see
but im afraid of that pain
im afraid to see that you really are not here.

 

I don't know how much longer I can go on
and no one knows of the struggle im in
no one would ever guess that im dying inside
they don't know that I do cry
they don't know just how I can't live without you.

 

I woke up one day to an emptiness I never imagined could exist
I wake up to a hollow ache in my heart
a pain I never knew could be this intense,
I just never thought it would hurt this much
I never thought a piece of me would die,
but now that it's happened I can see why
now that you are gone
I see all that you taught me
I see all the love I had
all the love I ever needed
I needed no more
when I had you.

 

I don't want to go on without you
but I have too
I don't want to laugh without you
but I know you want me too
I don't want to enjoy life without you
but I know that is all you ever wanted me to do
and I will try to do it for you.

 

©Gina
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